Good news, everybody! The Emoji Movie is out in theaters today! Now, apologies if you’re planning on seeing this–especially if that’s not your decision, but maybe that of a small child who can’t be expected to know any better. For you, this is probably not great news. It’s probably very, very bad news. But for the rest of us, The Emoji Movie’s opening means we get to roll around in a whole mess of deliciously scathing reviews.
As of writing this, this movie has debuted with a remarkable 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. ZERO. It currently has a 46% audience rating, although a quick scroll through those reviews have people saying this movie “changed [them] for the better,” is “the best movie of all time,” and making comparisons between its bad reviews and doubters of Jesus, so I’m thinking they might be a tad disingenuous.
[ETA: There had to be one! Just as I was wrapping this up, a positive review popped up on Rotten Tomatoes and it’s now at 3%. Common Sense Media says “The Emoji Movie isn’t bad, but it isn’t great, either. It’s ‘meh.'” High praise!]
The premise of The Emoji Movie sounds like someone took the idea behind Toy Story–what if our inanimate objects had a secret life when we weren’t around?–and applied it to circumstances no one could possibly care about: our apps. Here’s what critics are saying about what sounds to be a terrible premise and worse execution. I’ve included the headlines because they are beautiful.
NY Daily News: ‘The Emoji Movie’ is a big steaming zero-star pile of 💩
The only thing worse than the dialogue is the absurd product placement. In addition to “riding the Spotify streams” to make it all the way across the phones, there are a few glimpses hawking Crackle, a streaming service no one uses but just so happens to be owned by the same corporate entity that is distributing the film.
The Guardian: A big thumbs down 👎
Children should not be allowed to watch The Emoji Movie.
The A.V. Club: The Emoji Movie is Inside Out crossed with a Sony commercial and dunked in toxic ooze
There was probably never going to be a version of this film that would prove even remotely plausible as a movie someone felt passionately about making for artistic reasons.
The failure of imagination in “The Emoji Movie” is not limited to its depiction of the app world. This is a film that has literally nothing to offer viewers—there are no moments of humor, excitement or insight regarding a culture that considers emojis to be the pinnacle of contemporary communication.
New York Times: ‘The Emoji Movie’ Can’t Escape Its Own Idiocy
For a long time, Hollywood has been propagating the idea that the panderingly, trendily idiotic can be made to seem less so, by polishing it up with bright shiny gloss and enlisting engaging talented performers and writers. I can’t be entirely certain of this, but I would say “The Emoji Movie” takes this notion to the outer limits of credibility.
New York Post: ‘Emoji’ movie sucks (sadface!)
Please restore my eyes to factory settings.
LA Times: ‘The Emoji Movie’ can be summed up in one word: Meh
Perhaps we should just throw our smartphones into the sea and let the waves take us now.
Vox: Do Not See The Emoji Movie
Still, as a critic, you walk into every movie — even the ones you’re pretty sure are going to stink up the joint — with a sense of hope and willingness to be amazed. And The Emoji Movie, friends, is certainly amazing.
It’s amazing that we can put a man on the moon but movies like this still somehow get made. It’s amazing that with all that partner money, Sony couldn’t pay for a better script, with better lines of humorous dialogue to be delivered by the emojis than, “Throw some sauce on that dance burrito!”
It’s amazing — or maybe it isn’t — that in addition to its poorly conceived Handmaid’s Tale stunt, the filmmakers saw fit to have a character sing, “Nobody knows the touch screens I’ve seen / Nobody knows the screenshots,” while sitting atop a pile of trash, to the tune of “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen,” a spiritual written by slaves to bolster their spirits while toiling in the pre-Emancipation American South.
Vulture: The Emoji Movie Will Send You Into a Spiral Emoji of Despair
Not once does this film rise above the level of humor of literally any real-world use of a simple upside-down-face emoji (whose meaning I tend to translate as “Wheeee, life is a horrible hall of mirrors and I am powerless to do anything but smile about it.”)
If only my review of this film could be an upside-down-face emoji.
The Wrap: There Are No Words
The one non-dispiriting aspect of the “Emoji Movie” experience was getting to see “Puppy!”, a new animated short set in the world of “Hotel Transylvania.” When Adam Sandler outclasses your high-concept, high-tech functions, it’s time to switch to a flip phone.
Pajiba: Look, I Think We Can All Acknowledge That Society Is Crumbling
James Corden, as Gene’s sidekick High Five, makes me want to somehow punch a hole through my own body. TJ Miller is irritating. You know that. You expected it. James Corden is somehow more irritating, the result of him playing the whiny, self-absorbed comic relief character against Miller’s relatively (relatively) more subdued Gene. Cordon says “Bye, Felicia” and “Oh, snap!” I don’t need that. No one does.
Indiewire: ‘The Emoji Movie’ Is Almost as Bad and Brutally Depressing as Everything Else in 2017
Make no mistake, “The Emoji Movie” is very, very, very bad (we’re talking about a hyperactive piece of corporate propaganda in which Spotify saves the world and Sir Patrick Stewart voices a living turd), but real life is just too hard to compete with right now. Not even a gaudy monument to late capitalism that masquerades as children’s entertainment — a film that bends over backwards to teach your kids that true happiness is always just an app away — can measure up to what’s happening off-screen. Not even a witless cartoon that unfolds like a PG-rated remake of “They Live” as told from the aliens’ POV feels as toxic as glancing at your Twitter feed or (God forbid) turning on the television news.
(image: Columbia Pictures)
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Just in from Deadline: Hollywood, Tade Thompson’s forthcoming Tor.com publishing novella The Murders of Molly Southbourne has been been optioned by Cathy Schulman’s Welle Entertainment. They reported, “Schulman will produce Southbourne as a feature film with Krishnan Menon and Adam Stone (Sleepless, The Voices) at Phenomenon Entertainment, who brought the project to Welle. Brendan Deneen (Gangland Undercover) and the book’s editor Carl Engle-Laird will serve as executive producers through Macmillian Entertainment.”
“The Murders of Molly Southbourne is a dark, twisted story that kept me up late the first night I read it and has haunted my imaginations ever since,” said Carl Engle-Laird, editor at Tor.com Publishing. “I’m thrilled to see what they will do with it, and look forward to more people sharing my plight.”
For as long as Molly Southbourne can remember, she’s been watching herself die. Whenever she bleeds, another molly is born, identical to her in every way and intent on her destruction. Any instance of bleeding—a scrape, a scuffle, and every month for a couple of harrowing days. And so, she has been trained in how to destroy the mollys first. Molly knows every way to kill herself, but she also knows that as long as she survives she’ll be hunted. Growing more bitter, she finds herself wondering whether it’s better to kill herself or be killed by the inescapable horde
The Murders of Molly Southbourne will be available October 3 from Tor.com Publishing.
Опубликовано: 28 июл. 2017 г.
«…Чекистам ничего не остается, как разыгрывать карту планетарной дестабилизации. Террорист может считать себя властителем судеб лишь до тех пор, пока с ним разговаривают. Как только его лоб помажут зеленкой – он превращается в трупную оболочку, интересную лишь для патологоанатомов…»
Текст и начитка – Александр Сотник
Монтаж – Евгений Эжуев
( Read more... )
Я просто уверен, что в Европе они сразу всё правильно поймут про права геев, женщин и всё такое. Кроме того, они с энтузиазмом примутся за работу. Надо забирать их из Афгана, Юнкер утверждает, что они на вес золота. И главное - они такие же как мы.
Or, things falling apart, Dept of.
Nothing (so far) major, but this last couple of days has seen my iPod keel over and refuse to charge, and my printer decide that it doesn't like printing from the bottom tray, it will tell me there is a paper-jam and grind to a halt, even if there is not, actually, a paper-jam. This first manifested itself when I was trying to print out a paper to referee, which I finally achieved, but at an input of time and annoyance that made me feel that I had better put the thing aside for judgement until I was in a more equanimitous mood.
So I have at least replaced the iPod, which I could do by ordering online and collecting from the local Argos, a trip I was able to combine with a trip to Financial Institution of which I have heretofore complained extensively, where I was actually able to close the account and walk away. Also, since I was going to Argos, bought a proper file box to replace the cardboard box that I have been keeping documentation in.
Usual faff of setting up the iPod - downloading latest software, my playlists having to be reconstructed, etc etc, but is done, more or less.
And, in order not to be entirely negative, one of the other things I had on my schedule for today was finding a book in the maelstrom for editorial revision purposes, and I did, in fact, find it.
Also, have been asked to go and be a meedja consultant on a historical drama.
Plus, TV doco I am in (apparently) has a preview to which I have been invited next month.
Фокус в том, что в начале своего опуса Герр Тич дает ссылку на источник информации, а именно lenta.ru (не хрен собачий). Смотрим и ничего не понимаем. Доктор, оказывается, в Израиле имел свой кабинет, но "на пике славы" решил попытать счастья в стране неограниченных возможностей, где тоже вполне преуспел, сначала в Нью Йорке, а потом во Флориде. По поводу оригинальной статьи, кстати, тоже возникают вопросы. Доктор по прибытии отправился на курсы английского языка (т.е. английским не владел или владел в недостаточной степени). Как это доктор в Штатах раз - и стал практикующим. Без экзаменов? Или с экзаменами, но о них почему-то не пишется. Но не суть. А суть в том, что агитка, озаглавленная "Даже в аду, пожалуй, лучше!" жутко напоминает 70-е, когда возвращенцев показывали по ТВ, они тупили взоры и говорили, что "даже в аду, пожалуй, лучше". На самом деле это вполне может быть правдой: не повезло, не способен к языкам, плохая экономическая ситуация. Но врать-то зачем? Зачем врать?
Well, except when it’s over, which is probably whenever your store’s regular business hours end. Proving that nobody knows how to party like comic book geeks, Marvel Comics has officially announced launch parties with participating retailers for the Marvel Legacy #1 one-shot on September 27th.
In traditional comic book party fashion, the Marvel Legacy Launch Parties will feature party favors such as copious amounts of booze, fashionable robes and satanic party masks, and…wait, sorry, we’ve actually confused Marvel Legacy launch parties with a different sort of party.
But the Marvel Legacy party favors are just as cool (even if you’ve already heard of some already here on Bleeding Cool, pip pip). Just check out what comes in the Marvel Legacy Party Pack that retailers will be able to order:
MARVEL LEGACY #1 PARTY Invitational Postcards (Bundle of 100)
FOOM Magazine offering a nostalgic look at the past present and future of Marvel Comics!*
MARVEL LEGACY #1 PARTY VARIANT
Joe Quesada Marvel Legacy # posters
Downloadable Cake Toppers
We don’t know about you, but nothing gets us in the mood to just freaking let loose and party than some downloadable cake toppers. Trust us, you won’t want to miss these. How do you download cake toppers? Figuring out what that means is half the fun!
Store owners who get the party pack can also order the Marvel Legacy #1 Party Variant and the Marvel Legacy #1 Quesada Premier Variant. What they do with them after that, hey, that’s nobody’s business but their own.
Of course, the real highlight of these parties, at least for people without access to the VIP area, is the return of FOOM Magazine, which will feature “in-depth articles about the creation of MARVEL LEGACY, an overview of the many EICs that have forged Marvel Comics over the years, an examination of the Marvel bullpens of the past, a spotlight on the Infinity trilogy, a guide from Deadpool that looks ahead to his newest Legacy book.”
What could be more exciting than fawning promotional material packaged as news and editorials and published under the strict guidelines of Marvel’s editorial and marketing departments? It’s like the print version of a top comic book website! Make yours Marvel!
If your local comic shop isn’t hosting one of these badass parties, you should probably find a new one before September 27th.
MARVEL LEGACY #1 (JUL170990)
Written by JASON AARON
Art by ESAD RIBIC
Double Gatefold Cover by JOE QUESADA
Lenticular Cover (Non-Gatefold) by JOE QUESADA
There was a moment in time when we were all really excited about The Batman and while we’re probably still looking forward to what Matt Reeves will bring us at some unknown date the production has been a bit of a mess. It seems to be on track again now but that does leave a certain actor in limbo. Joe Manganiello was cast as Deathstroke in the original version of this movie and we even got to see some test footage of him. Now the movie is starting over with a completely new script and it looks like no one is really sure if that script is going to include Manganiello.
In an interview with http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-
I don’t. Well, I do but nothing that I can share. I know everything but I can’t say any of it.
The reporter tried to press him for more details but Manganiello wasn’t going to break. When asked if he could even tell us when we’d find out one way or another he still went nice and vague.
It’s not up to me. That’s a good question for Warner Bros. and D.C.
Now that Comic-Con International has come and gone and we didn’t get any new information about any DC movies that aren’t Justice League and Aquaman it’s probably going to be some time before we know anything about DC’s next slate of movies. There are a lot of rumors going around and we did see some logos during the Warner Bros presentation but aside from confirming Wonder Woman II we got nothing from DC last weekend. It appears that the Wonder Woman sequel is being fast tracked so now we just have to wait and see what happens with The Batman in the next few years. It’s still extremely unlikely that we’ll see the movie before 2020.